Panic on the Street!

I guess we can stop pretending there's no recession now, huh?

The Dow just fell to under 8,600. That's freakin' low. We're talking lower than a contortionist can limbo. Lower than attendance at a Marlins-Braves game. Lower than George Bush's approval ratings--that low. Just a year ago we were above 14,000.

Trapped under the falling pillars of capitalism and the trampling of cash-grabbing pandemonium, what should we do?

INVEST!

The shit's hit the fan; someone must clean it up. I'm investing my money in antiseptics. Oh, and batteries, but that's another story.

The irony in all of this is now's the best time to get your money in the Dow. Well, perhaps in a week or so, but once this bailout comes, the arrival of which has been about as quick as Sarah Palin, the market should stabilize. I'm not saying it'll instantly trend upward and get back into the quintuple digits, but it'll stop dropping 500 points daily.

Here's where you step in and provide a little piece of mind for the poor, scared shmucks stuffing their few firesale dollars into cold glass jars in the refrigerator and rolled-up wads under the bed.

This is a recession, not a depression...yet. In a twisted twist, it's not the goverment who will prevent a full-scale depression, it'll be investors like you and me. (OK, and Warren Buffet.)

Read (I was going to write "listen" or "look" but you can't do either since I'm just typing), Mondays always suck, but at this point I doubt Columbus Day will be that dark, even in Palin's backyard. So, please don't follow suit and panic like it's 1929.

I don't have any money to put in the freezer yet and my pantry's almost breadless.